The Elephant in the Room

I am going to address the elephant in the room today.

This blog might seem a bit scattered, but it is par for the course considering the writer….

I posted something on Instagram a few weeks ago. It was my “it’s going to be ok moment.” I still feel this way, BUT there is an elephant that lives in our house. One that none of us really want talk about out loud: a “what if.” I think the one thing that is drastically different when you have a child with extra TLC needs is that the “what ifs” are something that you have to stare down; deal with no matter how freaking petrifying it is to say it out loud or put the plans in place.

MAKING IT A REALITY…..

I have been depressed for months and living in the shadows of my life. I haven't blogged because I was pretty sure someone would wonder if I was going to go back to my old ways of cutting or something else. The thing is about depression and anxiety is that your perception is different. I normally love a good challenge and rise to the occasion, especially under pressure. When I'm cycling though, I'm a dog chasing it's tail getting nowhere. I didn't realize how quickly I was cycling until recently. Everyone that I know seems to be having big life changing events. I'm treading water, barely keeping my head up. My perspective is bleak and dark. I have been looking at everyone's “new” and thinking “well that's awesome for them” and feeling jealous. I can't go out lately without Beast completely freaking out about something, even to his favorite places. I envy the moms, hell, my friends, who get to sit and have adult conversations while their kids play. I haven't reached out to anyone lately. Everyone has their own set of crazy going on and I don't want to deal with it or acknowledge my own that is spiraling. I'm going to be 34 next week and the only thing I can think of that I want is weighted items for the boys. I feel guilty spending money on something for me because I know that we need to do so much with our finances, to address the elephant living in our house. So I'm going to look at shit head on and take it by the tusks so the fear isn't overwhelming anymore. I am going to talk about one the hardest things for me as a parent to have to say out loud, really accept it and move on…..

Beast is a bright, beautiful, boy who is ONLY 3 years old!

The truth is that it means that I have only 15 years to put away for a trust fund that can sustain him long after we are gone. I can not assume that he will be able to live on his own. I hope that he can. I really do: not for me, but for him. This means that we need to get our personal finances squared away, debt managed, the house situated so we can sell it to be ready for our forever home. The home that needs to be big enough to be able to have Beast with us for the rest of our lives just in case he can’t be on his own, a house that has the capability to have a separate living quarters, because what if?

Let that sink in for a minute…

What if he can live independently? What if he can get a job? What if he needs the supplemental income from SSDI and DDS? What if that is the only way he can live on his own? What if he can’t get the full amount from SSDI or DDS?  What if the funds run out? What if he gets a shitty case worker? What if I die tomorrow? Will my life insurance plan be enough to get the boys into a good school? Will it help my husband get a good advocate for both of my boys? Will it be enough to cover good care for when he is at work? What if?????!!!!!!

I am saying this out loud typing and crying because it is fucking hard to have to think about all of this! I have felt like I am drowning in my crazy, but no freaking more. I am grabbing the bull by the horns and taking a deep breath.

This is my reality. This is my “normal.” If you don’t get it, cool, but don’t judge me and don’t offer advice unless you have some REAL answers for me. I am going to crawl out from the shadows and start asking questions to the right people. I am going to make a plan and make it happen because I can’t live with the what if’s anymore.

I need to know I have done everything in my power to give them the best future I can.

I accept that I might have my beautiful Beast with me for the rest of my life, that our life is going to be different than what I expected, and that I am going to be constantly learning on how to navigate a tricky system that is overwhelmed and overwhelming.

I am looking at my reality, my life, my “normal” in the face and accepting it...