Early Interevention to Preschool Transition

I have found myself on autopilot these past few weeks. You look at your calendar make a mental note of the bat shit crazy schedule, prioritize what you need really give your focus to and move on. I have been so wrapped up making sure my boys get to doctors appointments, assessments, therapies, school and meetings. I haven’t really had a chance to catch up with myself. I haven’t had time to process all the NEW…. I haven’t slowed down. If I do I might lose a step; flying of the wheel. You know when hamsters gets going in those things,the wheels turning into a cyclone under scurrying feet, then boom a blur of fur tumbling being ejected from the crazy ride! Dazed and confused shaking off and trying to figure out what the hell just happened!

Ya that is me right now....

Sitting here with my fingers dancing over the keyboard typing away with no end game, no plan, no idea where this is going. I just need to process, get it all out so maybe I can organize my thoughts, quiet the voices in my head, maybe even have a good cry in the process...

Today the weather seems to be reflecting my emotions cloudy, gray and cold. The clouds so full that the only alternative to is burst. My head and heart are feeling the same way, I don’t enjoy being overly emotional, I don’t like not being in control of my emotions, I really am not fond of crying or even showing that I am not OK. I like that my mask is set and no matter what I am going though that I will find someway to change the perspective, make it a little better and bearable.

I am not sure where I should start; maybe with my elation of Fall starting with the crisp mornings, the beauty of trees changing the canvas of my surroundings. Visible change, beautiful change, change that brings various memories to play like a reel of a movie, cut, pasted and brought together, played on a big white sheet in a field with all my favorite smells of the season dancing through the air. This time of year I become nostalgic, I usually slow down a little, take my coffee outside sit with blanket and enjoy the sunrise.

I haven’t yet, I haven’t even thought about it, I don’t want to and that is not like me!

I have been tired, no beyond tired and snappy; sorting through paperwork, recommendations, new diagnosis, planning goals and objectives, game planning for what ifs and where do where go from heres, reading results from evaluations that make you want to curl into a ball and cry till you have no tears left. Reflecting on society, school policy, special education law, state and federal mandates for insurance coverage for services for Autism.

Sitting in a dark room with the TV on for background noise, computer upon your bed, papers spread out and a highlighter in your hand. Reading the summaries of the most recent assessments that were done. Removing all emotion and detaching yourself as their parent (I have NO clue if this is what other parents do, but it is what I do so I can do what I need to do) highlighting all their “weaknesses”, “deficits”, “can nots” and “not yets” seeing all he can’t do and how to get him so he can. How can I get it written as a program for him at school or in our home services or outside of school services. I read summary after summary with words like weakness, deficit and skills of age equivalency to a fill in the blank. Recommendations are intensive services: speech, ABA therapy and Occupational therapy. All day PreK focusing on high frequency of speech.  

My beautiful snowflakes are NOT broken!!!!!!!

Why, fucking why:
do you have to point out all of what he can’t do?!
do I have to prove that he is broken to get him qualified for services?!

is that he will only qualify for certain programs and help if he has an intellectual impairment?!
is his placement is school determined by his language abilities?

am I told that the label doesn’t matter that they will get the same services no matter what, but that is a bold face lie?

is it that there are children in the same class that Beast is in that aren’t offered the same opportunities as my son?

is it if all of these recommendations made by his Doctors and other professionals are what he NEEDS that they aren’t covered by insurance?

is it that no one saw how Bubba was struggling in school?
is it the only way he was going to get help is if he lost it in school?

is it that every teacher I have talked to about our situation just says he wasn’t a big enough fire?

the hell did he need to be a big fire to get support to learn?

If you do get approved by your insurance you might not be able to afford the intensive services because of the co-pays.

Why is it that I am trying to do better for my sons and I just look like the poor little hamster in the wheel?

I don’t hate much, but I hate that I have to prove that my beautiful boys are broken repeatedly to get them what they need to be the best versions of themselves.

Why can’t we focus on all they can do and build from there?

Why if it is proven in research repeatedly that early intervention for Autism is SO important then why is it so damn hard to get?

What the hell happened to just being a good human who wants to help for the sake of helping?

I know that my beautiful snowflakes aren't broken, I know that the reason for the diagnostic process and wording is for insurance purposes, I know that I am not the only person with these questions, I know that it isn’t just in my town or state. I have had conversations with people I have never met, who have let me vent, cry and changed my perspective about the situation so I can stop focusing on all the bad, brush my tears away, dust myself off, put on my shitkickers, pointed me in a direction, set me off marching to go kick in some doors to help pave the way for others.

I said I had no idea where this was going, but I guess it got me to where I needed to be. I feel better reminding myself I am not alone, that there are others going through the same shit and that at the end of the day I am doing the best that I can and that’s enough.